President Trump will spend the last two months in office giving a pass to all the felons, chancers, and ne’er-do-wells who supported and enabled him. Strap in.
President Trump pardoned a turkey right before Thanksgiving.
That means Michael Flynn, his former national security adviser, won’t be going to prison.
Trump has spent much of the last four years figuratively doing to the Constitution what Mitt Romney’s dog did to the family station wagon while caged up on the roof. But that same Constitution gives presidents wide latitude to pardon those charged with or convicted of federal crimes. Even, as in the case of Gerald Ford’s pardon of Richard Nixon, before they’ve been charged.
Lame duck presidents often take care of their cronies on the way out the door.
Remember all the miscreants Bill Clinton pardoned?
If Clinton would pardon a bum like Marc Rich, imagine what a resentful, vindictive Trump will do.
No doubt, Trump’s pardon list will be a collection of felons, chancers, ne’er-do-wells, washed-up celebrities and those who would be more comfortable living in Mussolini’s Italy than Biden’s America.
Some guesses on who made the list:
Paul Manafort, Trump’s former campaign manager, who dummied up and kept his mouth shut. Doing seven years for tax and bank fraud. Trump called Manafort a stand-up guy, as opposed to Trump lawyer Michael Cohen, a sit-down-and-testify guy. No soup for you, Cohen.
Charles Kushner, father of the president’s son-in-law, convicted of, among other things, witness tampering, which consisted of hiring a prostitute to seduce his brother-in-law and sending a videotape of the tryst to his own sister so she wouldn’t testify against him. When the pardon comes through, old man Kushner can legitimately say, “I went to Jared!”
Turkey’s prime minister, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, and the 15 goons he sicced on protesters outside the Turkish ambassador’s house in Washington in 2017. By the time Erdogan’s bodyguards were indicted, they had already hightailed it back to Turkey.
The bad news for Erdogan is Trump can’t do anything for him with international prosecutors. So maybe Erdogan could take up exile in the United States. He could always rent an apartment in Watertown. The Armenian community there surely will be welcoming.
Steve Bannon, already facing federal charges for fraud, for encouraging the beheading of FBI director Christopher Wray and Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Kid Rock, for recording “All Summer Long,” which managed to ruin not one but two classic songs.
Hunter Biden. Just for laughs.
Jon Voight, for performing one of the worst Boston accents ever in “Ray Donovan.”
Roseanne Barr, who claimed her crappy show was canceled because she supports Trump when in fact it was canceled within hours of her egregiously racist tweet.
Lil Wayne, the rapper and Trump supporter recently charged in Florida with being a convicted felon in possession of a firearm.
Lil Pump, not to be confused with Lil Wayne, the Gucci Gang rapper and only South American immigrant with tattoos on his face that Trump doesn’t want to deport, for endorsing a guy who put little kids from his part of the world in cages.
Stacey Dash, star of the aptly named “Clueless,” whose fourth husband posed as a fake Georgia congressman while claiming to be the first in Congress to endorse Trump. They got married 10 days after meeting. She filed for divorce in June. He wants an annulment, saying her pastor hypnotized him into marrying her. If anybody should get a pardon for future legal trouble, these two are richly deserving.
Bruce Willis, for any movie he appeared in after “Pulp Fiction.”
Randy Quaid, a QAnon nut who keeps getting pinched, for any movie he might appear in, period.
All the Trump kids. Isn’t it obvious?
And last but not least, Trump will pardon himself. He believes he can.
If you were expecting to read Rudy Giuliani’s name on this list you’ll be disappointed. But, frankly, Trump doesn’t need to waste a pardon on Rudy. When the feds from the Southern District of New York, where Rudy was once chief prosecutor, come a-calling, Rudy won’t need a pardon because the insanity defense will work just fine.
Kevin Cullen is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at kevin.cullen@globe.com.
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